Friday, November 09, 2007


‘Snob!’ That was the accusation ejaculated at me. Me Matt, man of the people, defender of the working man. And why was this nasty remark so viciously lobbed at my fantastic face?

A couple of times a week, one of the women from the office canteen will wheel around a trolley full of different snack based opportunities to purchase at your desk. I fancied a cup of tea so bought one. That’s the kind of snap decision people like me feel entirely comfortable with making.

Two minutes later, a colleague who I rarely talk too, wandered past my desk with a face so incredulous, I took a picture of it and wrote the word incredulous on the back of it.

‘You paid money for that tea?’ he asked looking directly at the tea I paid money for

‘Yeah’ I said answering his question with the word ‘yeah’.

‘You can get tea free from the machine!’

‘I don’t like the tea from the machine.’

‘Snob!’ he said disgustedly walking off like a pocket-sized Liam Gallagher.

That’s right I’m so fucking upper-class, I live in a fantasy existence where people drink tea made by the method of having boiling water poured into a cup containing a tea bag. That’s my lifestyle. It’s all like that, and don’t think it ends there.

I wear shoes, even though the office floor is carpeted. I wear pants even though I put trousers over the top of them. I urinate in a urinal even though I’ve got an empty drinks bottle sitting on my desk. I’m so over-paid, that twice a week I buy a cup of tea from the woman with a trolley for 35p. That’s 70 pence a week I blow on my hedonistic lifestyle.

Not that his snob comment bothered me at all or anything, then again, what did I see my angry socialist colleague drinking the other day? Fucking mineral water, that’s what.

‘Snob!’ I commented as I walked past.

‘Water’s different to tea isn’t it. Don’t try and pretend they’re the same’ he replied.

I wasn’t trying to pretend water was the same as tea though it’s pretty fucking similar if you boil it and lob a tea bag in it.

I walked away thinking I’d won the argument, he stood there thinking he’d won it. That’s the great thing about arguments. Usually both people win and the other person loses.
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