Friday, April 10, 2009

Willy Wonka is a character in which Roald Dahl book?

Whilst I’m more than happy to admit that I regularly watch the multi-layered epic Neighbours, I have to draw the line at GMTV. In fact, so important is it to me that I draw a line here, I am going to physically draw a line on a big piece of A4(is it possible to have a big piece of A4?) with a purple crayon.

That said, it’s Good Friday and I’m not quite ready to transfer from being awake to doing something useful with my life and I’m bored with BBC News with its narrow insistence on being exclusively dedicated to things that have happened, are happening or are about to happen – seriously BBC, innovate.

So GMTV with the weather women who only seems interested in telling us where she’s going on holiday and saying hello to her parents. The entertainments reporter from Los Angeles who looks genuinely upset about Woody Harrelson being bothered by a photographer in an airport (literally never has something happened where so little has happened). Our entertainment reporter Carla goes on to report on how Liam Neeson is returning to work just three weeks after his wife died. We’re huge fans of Liam here on GMTV comments the female presenter back in the London studio dressed in the kind of yellow that gives you an instant headache. Oh yes of course Carla quickly responds keen to dispel any negativity aimed at Neeson’s decisions; her face, which up until this point has been irritatingly serious escalates into the kind of concerned frown that can mean only one thing: she’s going to tell us something that we’re NOT allowed to disagree with.

‘With the credit crunch’, she starts. She’s not actually going to say that is she? Of course she is: Earnestly she informs us how Liam must take work where he can as he has to support his kids. Yellow woman’s clothes seem to darken slightly and the ex-tennis player sitting next to her nods sombrely. Take the job for now Liam, I’m sure you’ll get to the top of the council-house allocation list soon.

‘Pink is really in this season’ says the fashion expert who’s been beamed on to the sofa next to our main two presenters as he calls out one by one various models sporadically covered in clothes the colour pink. I’m not sure whether this is normal or whether GMTV can only afford models with a severe lack of self-esteem, but yellow women ( who is back to full UV emitting colour intensity ) bounces on the sofa and tells each of them that they ‘look great’ as they walk on organs first.

Anyway enough of all this, GMTV are giving me the opportunity to win £25,000. All I have to do is text in A, B or C to answer the following question:

Willy Wonka is a character in which Roald Dahl book?

A) Fantastic Mr Fox
B) George’s Marvellous Medicine.
C) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Here’s my thinking: It’s not ‘A’, because the answers not that. It’s not ‘B’, because the answer’s not that. It is ‘C’, because the answer is that.

And where do you start with GMTV’s ‘film expert’ Richard Arnold; a bloke who only talks about films starring ex-Friends actors? You don’t.

Anyway I’ve got to stop this now as Jeremy Kyle is starting and he’s already said ‘look in the mirror’ and I’m going to have punch my television just in case it somehow hurts him.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

When all you've got is the walk

Why should you? Why should you have to interrupt the bounce bounce bounce indie post-indie stride because some car may want to turn ‘left’ onto some road you must apparently cross. Fuck them - why should he throw it all away after all this. All this consciously conscious progress down the pavement with you not caring, the shades in the gloom, the jeans that fit in a way that only one percent of the population are interested in and half of those understand.

This is the stage, the paving, walking into the distance, out of sight with out any compromise to practicality. This is all about who you are and nothing about almost anything and you’re in the middle of the road and nothing hits you - maybe becuase 'nothing' could be bothered, but most likely because it just fucking couldn't. You laugh at the lifeless body of that Green Cross Code Man you remember from school.

Is it shallow to put everything into your walk and nothing into your destination? Would this bloke fade into the shadows when he had to just 'stand'? I can't answer...I can't answer that..when will I, will I be famous...sorry lost it there...anyway....ah yes let me clumsily link on to the word 'shallow'.

But then twice in one week (maybe this shouldn't be a new paragraph, but fuck-it I'm a software engineer), with as much seriousness as anyone can ever really be bothered getting involved with in April, someone called me that word too: shallow. So I'm going to read a 'difficult' book in a public place because shallow people don't do that. I'll have my headphones on and noone will know I'm listening to Fleet Foxes eight months too late.