Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Olly Murs' Banality Nearly Killed us All!

For those who find the regular purchasing of Heat Magazine financially non-viable, the website 'Digital Spy' is there, free as an impact with a lampost to tickle your celebrity gossip feet. Who would of thought such an insignificant, trivia bloated, interweb cupboard would break the biggest story so far of the Anno Domini? ME! I predicted it in my unpublished book 2009 X-Factor Runner Up News Predictions(with a foreword from a now homeless Kate Thornton[she has a flat fee of a bacon baguette, a Cappuccino and a kind remark about her hair]). But I was wrong; the truth is they have done something much more exciting: For the first time ever, a news story has been written that is so inane and unimportant, it actually has less insight than no words at all.

'Uninformation' has been theoretical up to now. Einstein's calculations showed that it was a mathematical possibility but that an incident of it was incredibly unlikely to occur(roughly equivilent to the chances of Jeremy Paxman reading a news story without editorialising using the inflection of his voice). It further postured that if there was to be such an Uninformation event, it was most likely going to be a Showbiz tit-bit. Many concerned scientists have warned about the rise of publications dedicated to celebrity gossip, stating that it was not a case of 'if' an Uninformation event occurred, but 'when'. They were right.

So what is the first recorded case of recorded 'Uninformation'? Here it is stolen from HERE.

Murs: 'I fancy Katie Holmes and Fergie'
Monday, December 28 2009, 10:07 GMT
By Rebecca Davies

Olly Murs has revealed that he has a crush on Katie Holmes.

The X Factor runner-up, who is currently single, said that he was a big fan of Holmes when she played Joey Potter in teen drama Dawson's Creek.

"Katie Holmes is very attractive. And I was a massive Dawson's Creek fan, I've got every series and Katie was one of my favourites," Bang Showbiz quotes the musician as saying.

"Fergie is pretty hot. I saw her in real life and she was absolutely amazing."

Earlier this month, Murs told Heat that he fancied 22-year-old dancer Sianad Gregory, who he performed with on the reality music show.


He finished second in X-Factor which means he is both not an amusingly terrible singer and he didn't win. This immediately puts him at the kind of level of forgetableness that necessitates he show his parents his birth certificate to prove he exists every time he goes around to visit them. Secondly he's the most forgettable of all the people that have finished second in X-Factor, all of whom have been forgotten, some of which don't even exist.

The story itself seems to be that he thinks Katie Holmes is attractive. His quote is not even saying that he's about to attempt to pursue some kind of relationship with the ex-Dawson's Creek star (Holmes would anyway be most likely reluctant to give up her seat on the spaceship with Tom Cruise to shag someone who lost to someone I can't remember). It is in the mould of someone uselessly muttering 'I probably would' to themselves as someone who's more attractive than an uncooked chicken appears on their television.

What pushes this article further towards the cliff-edge of Uninformation is the dilution of the Katie comment, by him then spreading his attention blanket over the head of a second celebrity: Fergie, who he's seen “in real life”. The stability of the universe is then further compromised when 'Digital Spy' tells us that Olly earlier on this month commented that he fancied dancer Sianad Gregory - a woman who even though Olly's probably made-up - none the less means that this story isn't even the first of its type about Olly Murs.

This Uninformsation created a black-hole; a schism that could have caused incalculable damage: Channel Five would have been the first to get sucked in, followed closely by hastily considered opinions on football tactics; then rockerys would quickly disappear leaving the small slopes of all Britain's gardens barren. In fact such is the power of this Uninformation Black-Hole, all existence could have been sucked into this Hawking wank anomaly due to the existentialism invoked by Waiting for Godot.

Luckily the black-hole was closed immediately by the story being reversed into substance by it being identified as the first piece of writing ever to create a space anomaly. So we're all right then. 4-4-2!
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