I’ve decided to become a tabloid entertainment reporter. That is the decision I have made. My finger is on the celebrity pulse more than anyone I know. I'm always hanging out with Hawkes and Thornton. I am so damn perfect for this job. So here’s my first column. I call it BLING BLING, cause the kids get it right?
GIRLS ALOUD ARGUE OVER BUOY
The five members of pop sensation Girls Aloud have been arguing over a buoy located just off the Blackpool coast.
“I saw it first”, mentioned the dirty looking ginger one, “There it was bobbin on top of them little wave things. I wanted one straight away.”
Girls Aloud are not the only ones to have been seduced by the latest celebrity craze; Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a buoy just off Southsea and Carol Vorderman was seen cosying up to one in Poole harbour.
POSH SPICE IS THIN
Posh Spice is most definitely thin my sources have been telling me. She’s not fat.
SPOTTED Kate Bush stroking a dead cat in Leicester Woolworths.
SPOTTED Michael Parkinson hitting a southerner with a stick in Halfords.
On a slightly different note. Here's something for all those fond of moaning about political correctneess: