Olly Murs' Banality Nearly Killed us All!

Good evening this is the ITN news at half-ten. Get ready for the ride.

“One hundred and sixty five mile winds in Mexico” the newsreader announces. I make that five miles an hour more exciting than dull old one-sixty BBC.

Now reporter Neil Connery’s reporting from Cacon, Mexico. He’s out in the storm with arms waving erratically, screaming at the camera as the water pounds down on his half-bald head. “Water falling from the sky“ he explains to all those unfamiliar with the mechanics of rain. “It’s bad, but it’s not as bad as was feared.” he concludes, the disappointment in his voice barely disguised. Bored of this now. Let’s switch to BBC 1.

It’s Piers Morgan interviewing Abi Titmuss on ‘You Can’t Fire Me I’m Famous‘. She’s learnt so much through her experiences her hair’s now brunette. Venessa Feltz pops up to make a comment to the camera that doesn’t particularly make any sense and Piers tells Abi that shes makes the same excuses as a prostitute. Abi explains how all the people watching her private sex-video on the internet makes her feel violated and degraded. “It makes me cry every time I talk about it” she adds wiping a celebrity tear from her celebrity raddled face. “The DVDs been watched than Paris Hilton’s and Pamela Anderson’s put together” she adds, apparently not realising that this boast may lead some viewers to question her earlier distress.

Back to ITV and it’s ’Bouncers’. A documentary following a night on the door of Blackpool’s top nightclub.

Bouncers premise seems to be three distinct sections repeated over and over again throughout the show. First section is drunks shouting drunkenly at the camera, “Middlesboroughhhhhhhhhhh!” Next is various members of door-staff explaining to camera how drunk the people that come to the club are. “It’s not a family atmosphere anymore” laments one older bouncer harping back to the days when apparently Mum and Dad would bring their precious younguns along to “The Syndicate” for a couple of Vodka and Redbulls.

Finally we see the customer/bouncer interaction. People being refused entry, swaggering wildly and making intelligent pithy put-downs at those that block their way. “You’re plastic!”

Bouncers standing calmly; carefully reminding the drunk that they’re drunk by telling them “Look mate, you’re drunk.”

And the television can’t take it anymore.