Monday, June 09, 2008

There’s nothing like sitting back in the old deck chair and listening to a good car alarm. Feeling that carefully crafted tune whistle pleasantly in your ear as the sun gently caresses the scratched horizon.

It’s quite clear I’m being sarcastic - especially now I’ve said, ‘It’s quite clear I’m being sarcastic,’ but sarcasm is sooo good I want buy it chocolates; lie on a beach with it; whisper in its ear about the glorious life we‘re going to have together and yes the chocolates probably would melt into a sticky mess in the sunlight.. Bringing chocolates onto a beach would probably have been sarcasm's idea - That‘s SUCH a good idea sarcasm.

I don’t particularly enjoy the sound of car alarms and like most people I want to throw a fat tabby cat* at any vehicle whose alarm goes off. An alarm that's usually been activated by the wind from a butterfly fluttering its wings in an obscure village in Belgium where they distress winged insects as part of a fertility ritual.

They’re totally ignored as well (I'm back to car-alarms). People would take a book written by Jade Goody on String Theory more seriously than a car alarm going off on a Ford Mondeo. It’s just a horrid scream that makes people hate not the car thief, but the car owner who's disturbed their mid-morning suckle of Costa Coffee from the city-centre teat, by parking their car!

But some people rather than being embarrassed about having their car spunk its two-toned travesty, want even more. They want a verbal warning for anybody who unreasonably decides to stand on the same continent as their 5-Series.

’Stand back from the car,’ it will warn if you encroach into the vicinity of this overly loved lump of metallic shit. Now I understand there are those that lead and those that follow; but even the most subservient soul should have to be hypnotised by Paul McKenna before taking orders from a BMW.

And that's why everybody that has ever lived ever, should, on being asked by a car alarm to move away: stand there until they force the car into the surrender of resorting back to the high pitched whine of a lower-class Vauxhall Corsa. This is not a pointless defiance; we should do this because if we were to ‘stand back from the car’, what do you think would happen next? Give ‘em and inch, they’d take a mile( and probably burn fifty pounds worth of fuel to do so ).

Today it’s ‘stand back’, tomorrow this alloyed wheel diva would be asking us to lend it a fiver, criticise our dress sense, steal our jobs and our women. Next year's Big Brother could very well be won by a cross-dressing Smart Car.

If car alarms have to talk, their words should be aimed at dissuading a would-be criminal, not asking him to do half a Hokey-Cokey. Instead of this pointless 'stand back' bullshit, what about tickling a moment's self-reflection from the young gentlemen-thief with the simple, ‘Is this really what you want do with your life?’

*The cat would already be dead and the owner would approve of its use as a missile against noise pollution.

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