Isn’t it getting dark early? It wasn’t like this last year.

That’s why the badgers are not getting out of the way of traffic. Too dark. Too dark this year for badgers to sidestep Nissans.

That’s why petrol’s so expensive. Last year it was cheap. So cheap I bathed in it. Cooked my ham in it. Had extra lying around…just in case.

It’s why there’s no crisps. There were crisps in the sunshine. Lazy crisps, salt’n’Lineker crisps, crisps you could use as Lego. Not anymore. I don’t know anyone who can get their hands on crisps anymore.

It’s too dark to play football. Those that struggle on can’t find the goals. 0-0, 0-0, 0-0, then maybe a 1-0. But nobody can be totally sure it really went in. Too dark for that.

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