Thursday, April 06, 2006

Death of a Queue Jumper

This queue, my queue( I‘d taken responsibility cause I was at the front. ), had a certain level of complexity in that it was a single feeder queue for two basket checkouts. And as it was in We-really-couldn’t-be-arsed-to-put-any-thought-into-the-shop-layout-Sommerfield the pressure to hold order was palpable ( No idea what palpable means!)

But then, a figure not unlike Ob-wan Kenobi, stumbled to the second basket checkout, ignoring ‘The Queue’ and muttering something about ‘the force’. This incredibly rude and unexpected turn-taking violating movement, meant, by my approximation, a further 40 second wait in the queue, for me and each of my bitches (members of the queue)

Should I say something? I mean, would I really miss those forty seconds anyway? There's nothing I could really do with them.

I admit that well within a forty second time limit Michael Johnson has run 400m to win an Olympic gold-medal, Isaac Newton has conceived the notion of Gravity after seeing an apple fall form a tree and Boris Becker has impregnated some dodgy burd he'd just met, in a cupboard in a London Restaurant (with 37 seconds to spare).

But would any of them have achieved these things if they were standing in a checkout queue in Sommerfield holding a basket full of vegetables, scones and Muller Lite Yoghurts?

Newton might have realised the existence of gravity watching the hung-over ginger student dropping a four-pack of Stella on his toe and Boris Becker would still have found somewhere to let his German juices fly. But Micheal Johnson would have struggled to have run 400m around the cramped, inconsistently stocked aisles in under forty seconds. Even if he did, he would probably have lost a couple of Sommerfield Suitable for Baking Potatoes from his basket. And them potatoes is mighty fine.

Anyway, to justify not challenging the queue indifferent Jedi Knight, I decided I would, after going to bed, delay my going to sleep by a minute, thus not only ensuring this man had not made any negative impact on my waking day, but also taking the piss by extending it by 20 party-like seconds.

But then I heard disgruntled murmurings from behind. Those in the queue…my queue…who had followed and trusted me over cold and hard years, were not so forgiving as me of this new development. They had admired my queuing, I think some of them may have even started to fall in love with me. But now like most Gods, I had let them down; undermined their faith. And so, I was motivated to act.

"Excuse me", I called out, "There is a queue."

Though saying 'There is a queue' is not technically telling someone to join the back of it, more informing them that such a thing exists; the expected behaviour of the recipient of these words is to turn around, see the line of people, then look embarrassed and quickly walk away mumbling something sounding like "untseeitorry".

But this man was not playing by the rules. He turned around darted his eyes sideways then turned back in clear defiance of convenience store etiquette.

So we killed him. It wasn't excessively violent, more of an execution. He looked over sixty, so he probably wasn't contributing anything to society anyway.

6 comments:

the farmers wife said...

At last a funny blogger! Brilliant story, thanks Julie

St Jude said...

Nice blog.

Mr Angry said...

Wonderful, a fellow hater of supermarket express queues. Did you manage to count the items in his basket? If it was over 10 then he deserved a voilent death...

http://www.iamlivid.com/2006/03/02/can-you-count/

ill man said...

Does your Sommerfield not have signs asking people to form individual queues at the express tills? It tends to solve this problem and I would imagine it saves lives too..............

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Bet the bastard honed his skills chasing ambulances through the streets of London. I'm going to avoid Summerfield from now on that's for sure!

O'Hara said...

That's no way to solve the pension problem!

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