Tuesday, May 23, 2006

www.drunkpurchases.com



I’m on my internet banking site. You have been pre-approved for a loan of £24,000. Click here to accept. Really? Have I? I don't remember ever asking for a loan of £24,000. Then I stopped talking out loud at my computer as it seemed uninterested in responding. If it had chosen to respond it may have pointed out that you don't have to ask for something to get it pre-approved. But it didn't answer so it didn't make that response so leave me alone you..you…anyway…

'So what is the problem with this?' you might well ask, or you might not if ignorance is the road you're driving your soul down. The problem is the most dangerous combination of things since fire and flatulence; the internet and alcohol. It starts off innocently enough. With small-fry drunken use. You've had a sack-full of Stella and in through your front door you walk singing the last song you heard, and it may be Steps. Just maybe. Look I’m not saying it will be but it maybe.

You slap the PC while you re-warm your Kebab up in the washing machine(non-colourfast cycle) and start browsing the Belgium version of Amazon. "Tragedy, when the feeling‘s gone and you‘ve can‘t and go on Tragedy. Because it's lovely like the sun. What’s this? Steps Greatest Hits for £7.99 La la la hey Jude. La la. Click Click. I have bought it now. I have bought that album what I've just bought called Steps. Yes now. I want my foooooooood. Oh it’s soapy….but it has retained its colour "

And so I end up with a Steps album, which, to be honest, wouldn’t have happened if beer hadn’t done stuff. But to be fair it doesn't bankrupt me, just made me slightly less of a person.

But imagine if this happened: "Tragedy, when the feeling‘s gone and you‘ve can‘t and go on Tragedy. Because it's lovely like the sun. What’s this? Steps Greatest Hits for £7.99! Just a second…What's that? Claire and H from Steps will come and play in my back garden for £20,000? Pre-approved loan of £24,000! I could buy a second-hand speed boat too!. Click Click. "

This is why responsible internet businesses should be providing sobriety tests for anyone wishing to purchase or agree to anything on-line. You should have to do some kind of obstacle course with a mouse pointer or complete Doom 2 on ‘I’ve got the biggest in the world’ level. Or maybe a Web-cam should verify that you can stand on one leg.

Last year 14,000 people bought Steps CDs while drunk. 345 people hired Claire and H for private musical performances under the influence and ITV commissioned Celebrity Wrestling.

Next time you decide you want a drink, leave the mouse in its house.

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