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TOM!!

Tom Cruise has married Katie Holmes. It was somewhere in Italy, which is a European country. Tom and Katie wrote their own vows as is probably not required in Scientology. Here’s a transcript…

Tom Cruise: I Tom Cruise from Top Gun, Mission Impossible and in a more emotionally complex performance “Born on the Fourth of July”, in the name of Sam from Quantum Leap, Spock and Mr Spoon, wanna say how enthusiastic I am about my love for you, the Seventh lesbian satellite of Kron - Katie Holmes and you were in that thing on Channel 4. Normal people can only express love. I as Tom Cruise wish to express something more than love. Love is not a strong enough emotion for me, as I am Tom Cruise. My love for you is a gushing spurting tide of pure thick and sticky devotion, that in physical form would resemble a come covered hamster. I cry when I look in the mirror and realise how many years Tom Cruise has been denied such a deep and spongy vibrant emotion. Come to me…

Katie Holmes: I love you Tom Cruise from Top Gun.

Tom Cruise: And?

Katie Holmes: …and I think “Born on the Fourth of July” showed you to be an extremely versatile actor.

Tom Cruise: Yeah.

5th Space Funky Juice Minister: Do you Katie Holmes take Tom Cruise to be your lawful wedded Galactic Spunk horse?

Katie Holmes: I do.

5th Space Funky Juice Minister: Do you Tom Cruise from Top Gun and in a masterclass of disabled war-veteran empathy,“Born on the Fourth of July”, take Katie Holmes to be your lawful wedded Dazed and bewildered wife?

Tom Cruise:

(20 Second pause whilst Tom Cruise bends down and punches the floor shaking his head due to
the overwhelming emotion of being Tom Cruise in such a situation.)

You bet I do.

5th Space Funky Juice Minister: You may now high-five the bride

Tom Cruise: YEAH!

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