Tom Cruise has married Katie Holmes. It was somewhere in Italy, which is a European country. Tom and Katie wrote their own vows as is probably not required in Scientology. Here’s a transcript…
Tom Cruise: I Tom Cruise from Top Gun, Mission Impossible and in a more emotionally complex performance “Born on the Fourth of July”, in the name of Sam from Quantum Leap, Spock and Mr Spoon, wanna say how enthusiastic I am about my love for you, the Seventh lesbian satellite of Kron - Katie Holmes and you were in that thing on Channel 4. Normal people can only express love. I as Tom Cruise wish to express something more than love. Love is not a strong enough emotion for me, as I am Tom Cruise. My love for you is a gushing spurting tide of pure thick and sticky devotion, that in physical form would resemble a come covered hamster. I cry when I look in the mirror and realise how many years Tom Cruise has been denied such a deep and spongy vibrant emotion. Come to me…
Katie Holmes: I love you Tom Cruise from Top Gun.
Tom Cruise: And?
Katie Holmes: …and I think “Born on the Fourth of July” showed you to be an extremely versatile actor.
Tom Cruise: Yeah.
5th Space Funky Juice Minister: Do you Katie Holmes take Tom Cruise to be your lawful wedded Galactic Spunk horse?
Katie Holmes: I do.
5th Space Funky Juice Minister: Do you Tom Cruise from Top Gun and in a masterclass of disabled war-veteran empathy,“Born on the Fourth of July”, take Katie Holmes to be your lawful wedded Dazed and bewildered wife?
(20 Second pause whilst Tom Cruise bends down and punches the floor shaking his head due to
the overwhelming emotion of being Tom Cruise in such a situation.)
You bet I do.
5th Space Funky Juice Minister: You may now high-five the bride
Tom Cruise: YEAH!