Wednesday, January 18, 2006

20 September
Volvos and Multi-Storeys
If you are behind a Volvo Estate as you are driving towards a Multi-storey and you have even the smallest of suspicions that he too is heading for it, you must get past him before you get there. Use any tactic available; shortcut, overtaking, shooting out his tires with a big gun, anything. If none of these work, abort the multi-storey, go home, have a cup of tea and try again next week.
This plan is all very well, but there is always the risk that you didn’t see the Volvo enter, and thus there’s a chance you could still inadvertently end up following a Volvo into a Multi-Storey. It is therefore foolish to be anything other than prepared for such an eventuality. Store canned food in the boot, along with plenty of fluids and a nice thick blanket. People have been known to have been stuck behind Volvos for many weeks. Last year alone, 17 people lost their lives due to dehydration and pneumonia bought on by slow parking.
Volvos will enter the Multi-Storey seemingly unaware it has multiple storeys. They crawl into the ground floor and stop to take it all in. Then they make the decision. This floor is where they will park. That there’s no spaces now, but Volvo knows that doesn’t mean there wont be in a couple of hours. The sad queue of cars behind the Volvo look forlornly at the level above with its open acres of empty spaces. A couple of days pass.
The Volvo hasn’t wasted his two days. He’s noticed there may be another place to go. Another world to explore. A place known simply as Level B. Volvo pushes down on the accelerator slowly, ready for lift-off to their new land. Everyone wakes up, throws off the blanket and starts their car. The Volvo is moving, it really is moving. One metre, two metres, three…BRAKE!
Volvo’s seen a man in his mid-thirties walking slowly towards a BMW Convertible. What Volvo doesn't know is that this man is just another member of a growing craze that is sweeping the nation. He's a Multi-Faker. The hobby of multi-faking started in Wiltshire in the late-nineties and has since spread to almost every area of the United Kingdom. It involves waiting for a Volvo driver to approach before walking over to your pre-parked car with the aim of keeping the Volvo waiting for you to vacate the space for as long a time as possible before he gives up and drives off. Common tactics include placing and rearranging shopping bags in the boot and pressing random buttons on the dash board. The current non-naked world record was set by Thomas Green in the Basingstoke NCP, He managed a time of 72 minutes and 33 seconds. This included a textbook twelve minute rear view mirror adjustment.
Finally the Volvo finds the Golden Fleece, an empty space nestled between a Mondeo and a Coursa. He slowly edges into position ready to reverse into the space.
Volvo : Volvo is in position and waiting instruction Houston.
Houston : Volvo this is Houston Calling, we hear you loud and clear. Hold position and await instructions.
Volvo: Roger that Houston. Houston: Volvo you are clear to Dock. Remember you only have a seven hour window for this Volvo.
Volvo : Roger Houston…….Depressing accelerator with clutch fully down.
Houston : That’s good Volvo, we’re going to need another ten seconds of pointless engine revving.
Volvo: Roger that Houston. Revving like a twat.
Houston : OK Volvo you look beautiful from here. Release your handbrake in an overly slow and deliberate action. That’s it Volvo just like your unsure what the consequences of such an action would be..
Volvo: Roger that Houston hand-brake is released. Hand-brake is released. I am moving back wards.
Houston : Looking Good Volvo. You are looking good. Hold your line.
Volvo: Oh my God I can see the space. It’s sooooo beautiful
Houston : Just hold the line Volvo.
Volvo : I’ve never seen anything like it…. I can’t hold it Houston I can’t Hold it.
Houston : Oh shit we’re losing him. Volvo. Volvo abort parking. Abort parking.
Volvo : It’s too late, I’m…..
Houston : Volvo! Volvo, come in. Come in Volvo ……Volvo……

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